Pink Floyd has always been a favorite, and always had the words i was unable to find.
Much of my pain seems to have receded, although Wiggy remains firmly in the forefront of my mind. I see her, up ahead, as i navigate a pine-scented trail. She is looking back, as usual, to make sure I'm still there, and silently telling me to hurry up. I quicken my step, but I cannot seem to catch up. She is always one curve on the trail, one steep incline, one patch of trees ahead.
But i keep going, keep hiking, keep wondering at the colors and blooms all around. Trying my best to find joy, or even peace, in the beauty of the earth around me. It is Spring. If Mother Nature can go on, so can I. So I keep going.
I reach the end of the trail, tear-free. I thought of her, I missed her, but no tears. I did not drop to my knees in agonizing pain and scream 'til my lungs burned with the effort.
Instead, I reached for the belief that this is all meant to be, that it will make sense in the end. I grasped at the truth that she is pain and fear free. She is in a better place than here and she is at peace.
Try as I might, I still cannot get to joy for her, for joy in her reaching the joy she deserves. But I'm getting there. For now, the pain is receding, and I am relieved. For now, comfortably numb is the best I can do. And that is okay.